And so it begins

When I was first told I had breast cancer, I was in awful shock and terrified. My only focus was on the fact that I had cancer and the actions needed to remove it. I did not think or process the consequences of what those actions would mean. My brain was in full fight mode. I experienced what’s called a “deer caught in the headlights” emotional reaction. But that initial feeling of shock and terror lasted what felt like a long time for me.

This is probably because the diagnosis process took forever, I felt very anxious and often helpless. Waiting is literally the worst part of my cancer treatment journey, I waited a couple of weeks to get my appointment at the breast care clinic then a couple of weeks to get my results. A few more weeks passed afterwards while going from pillar to post to have extra scans and tests, without any concrete action. I was going through the motions trying my hardest to stay positive but the unknown was dreadful and terrifying. Knowing the cancer is there - and capable of spreading - and having to wait for more tests instead of doing something about it, made me feel completely out of control and completely powerless.

Eventually two months after being informed of my diagnoses, finally we had a plan of action and a date was set for my therapeutic mammoplasty surgery (a breast reduction surgery to remove the cancer from my left breast, and reduce and reshape the size of my right breast to make them more symmetrical) with a full axillary left lymph node clearance. I felt very relieved about that because it meant something was finally happening, I had no headspace at the time to even begin processing what I would be losing or to feel any sense of grief. My whole focus was on coping in the moment. I just wanted the cancer out of me, and fast.

On the morning of the surgery, I stood in my hospital rope in front of the bathroom mirror in the hospital, looking at all the writing and drawings made by my surgeon on my chest area (between the neck and abdomen) with his sharpie. Held my breasts in my hands and it suddenly hit me what it would mean to remove the cancer from my body.

Pre cancer I loved my breast, they didn’t define me but they were a large part of how they made me feel confident. I started to feel less confident after the surgery, I was in grief for what I had lost and even began blaming my left breast for getting us into my cancer predicament. I felt terribly sorry for my right breast too, it didn’t do anything wrong.

I was ok with them after my surgery when they became cancer free, and then I wasn’t after my surgeon took the bandages off and I saw my scars. Then I was in awe of their ability to heal and bounce back, and then I wasn’t, when I thought I had another lump while undergoing chemotherapy. I went back into the hospital for an ultrasound and they told me it was scar tissue from the surgery and thankfully everything was fine again.

When you go through cancer treatment there are so many changes to get used to and not enough time for you to wrap your head around what that actually means or how you might feel about them later when the reality sinks in; it feels like such a rollercoaster ride. I have since developed a love/hate relationship with my breasts, my confidence has been knocked due to the constant change and I struggle daily with how my breasts look and feel.

Breast Cancer Now with its Helpline and “Here For You Volunteer” services was tremendous, they helped me decipher the medical jargon and navigate the ups and downs of my treatment journey. The volunteers and nurses I spoke to were the voice of reason and reassurance, it helped to have someone understanding and validating how I was feeling. I had support from my husband and my family and my friends tried to help, but I still felt alone.

Breast Cancer Now “Someone Like Me” service got me through the chemotherapy and radiotherapy rollercoaster ride, and a volunteer was put in touch with me. The volunteer had gone through her breast cancer treatment 10 years ago, she gave me hope. I felt less alone, it helped to speak to someone who had been through the treatments and survived them, she understood how I felt and showed me how to cope.

I have found from personal experience that doctors tell you what to expect on your treatment journey but its really the cancer survivors who will show you how to cope. So here is some tips that I hope you might find helpful:

• Take a family member or a friend to every medical appointment to help take notes for you as the appointments can be very emotionally overwhelming and you might need help remembering or processing the information.
• If you are going to research your cancer diagnoses, check trusted websites like Cancer Research UK, Breast Cancer now or MacMillan Cancer Support and their forums. And remember not everything you’ll read will be tailored to your specific cancer.
• If you are struggling with the wait or the diagnosis, talk to your GP or rely on the cancer charities for the psychological support like Shine Cancer Support or Maggie's.
• I was expecting pain post my surgery but luckily it wasn't too bad for me, I got very tired instead and I slept a lot when I first was discharged from the hospital.
• Your post surgical heart shaped pillow will be your best friend and you take it with you everywhere in the first couple of weeks.
• If you are about to have your lymph nodes removed like in my case, you are going to need to do your physio exercises and stretch your arm daily for months and months to avoid having Lymphedema - swelling of the arm.
• Loose fitting button down nightshirts or nighties and zip up clothes with easy access to your wounds and drains (if you have any) to inspect is all you need on your first month.
• If you had your lymph nodes removed, it would be best to wear button up sleeveless shirts when you are out and about.
• A front-fastening post surgery bra is essential, I took my bra with me into surgery so it could be put on while I was asleep. Front-fastening bras are great for post-surgery recovery because nurses can undo them without having to move you.
• You are going to have to sleep on your back with your upper body elevated for at least one month afterwards.
• You are going to need to wear your surgical bra at all times, even to go to sleep, for a few weeks to a month.
• Once your surgical bandages get removed, start using a good anti scarring cream.
• Once your scars have sufficiently healed start massaging them to avoid scar tissues for about 6 months after surgery (please note you should not massage your scar if you still have stitches or if the scar has a scab on it).
• Be kind to yourself and accept offers of help from your family and friends.
  To boost your energy and compact fatigue on the go, choose a non processed energy bars to have on your walks when you get tired.
• Do something to take your mind off the cancer, a good book, watching old movies or box sets that are familiar and comforting, I picked up colour in number and cross stretching as I found them very relaxing and meditative.
• Play the cancer card, you might as well. Don’t feel guilty about it, you can play it whenever you want and as often as you want.

Please note every body is different so our experience might not be the same, always check with your oncology and chemo team for best advice in your case.